Thank you for this article. I love the work of David Schnarch and his crucible model. I find EFT to be infantilizing of adults and incredibly problematic, especially with the application of research regarding infants and parents to adult relationships. It's just bad science. From my therapy chair, the work of Schwartz and Schnarch integrate beautifully. Self led and self validating, guided by True Self and by integrity. I appreciate your writing. Courageous and helpful!
I really enjoyed this article, and your exploration of “securely attached,” “self-leadership” and “self-energy.”
As a certifed EFT couples therapist, I don’t like the idea of “secure attachment” as something people should strive for. It’s fine for a therapist to conceptualize a couple this way, but the way secure attachment, anxious attachment and avoidant attachment gets thrown around by people these days doesn’t seem all that great to me therapeutically.
I wouldn’t talk about “secure attachment” in therapy. For me, with clients, it’s more like “Do you feel secure in your relationship with your partner?” What that means – and this comes from an attachment theory perspective, from Sue Johnson, and from my own thinking – is this: “If I really need my partner – and I mean really need them – will they be there for me? Will they come through?” And also, “Are they truthful with me about all the important things, like fidelity and money, or are they keeping major secrets from me that could affect my life?” In addition, it’s “Do they care about my feelings and needs?” “Do they care about me, who I am, what I think and feel?” "Can I really show up as myself, including my vulnerabilities, and not be rejected?" It also includes “Are they engaged with me? Do my joys make them happy, do my worries and concerns make them want to come to my side?” And finally, “Do they want me? Do they like me, 90 percent of the time? Do they think highly of me? Do I matter to them? Does being with me make them happier than if they weren’t with me? Would they miss me if I was gone? Do they need me – not too much, but some? If they’re hurt or upset, can I affect them in a positive way?”
This may sound like a very long list, but I think when couples are happy with each other, they can answer “yes” to all or almost all these questions most of the time. It’s when the answers to a number of these questions start to regularly feel like “no,” that their relationship is in trouble. And it’s not just a conscious thing. Their bodies and nervous systems start to be all wired up; they don’t get that calm, synched-up feeling anymore when they’re near each other.
But it doesn’t mean you always feel this way. I’ve been with my wife for more than forty-seven years (that number sounds crazy even to me). We’re both therapists and we both know all this stuff and we’re both pretty skillful, I would say. But we’re also very emotional people inside, and even we can sometimes get a little crazy with each other and have a rip-roaring, totally bizarre fight. But we come back and come back. The fights often point to some new area for growth for us. Now that’s secure! If my wife ever started acting totally calm and rational with me all the time, I’d be very worried.
And I think that an important piece of this is emotional safety. When the husband you described said, “I can feel myself getting anxious. But I'm here. Let's talk” what he was showing was the ability to both identify and express what he was truly feeling, so he was being authentic, and he was moving toward her with his feeling, not away. And even though he was feeling anxious, the fact that he said that shows that he has already started to feel more safe talking about feelings, and their relationship, with her. And the other side of this was that the wife was able to hear him say that and realize he was being honest and authentic and loving by saying what he said, so she didn’t come down on him for saying his truth. So they had developed an ability to express their true feelings to each other and know that it was safe to do so. It may not be absolutely necessary, but it’s very very helpful to get better at this in order to have a long-term, emotionally secure relationship.
As for self-leadership and self-energy. I’ve studied IFS, so I know those terms. But I’m a certified Focusing-oriented therapist trained in Inner Relationship Focusing, developed by Ann Weiser Cornell. There are many similarities with IFS. For me, I like to use the term “Larger Self.” As you alluded to, “Larger Self,” like “self-energy,” isn’t really a “thing” you can create from your head. It’s a mode of being, but even that doesn’t get it right; it’s more of a *verb.* For me, the Larger Self is “that which can be with the parts inside with interested curiosity and compassion.” But it doesn’t work to tell yourself to be compassionate with something inside you. As Gene Gendlin, the developer of Focusing, said many decades ago, “If you can’t be compassionate with something inside you, that isn’t a problem. Just turn toward the part of you that can’t be compassionate with that other part, and listen to *it* with compassion.”
I’m glad you wrote your piece. As you can see, it stimulated me to share all of these thoughts that your piece brought up for me. I look forward to reading more!
Great points, Larry. Welcome to the rip-roaring-bizzare-therapist fight club lol.
I like the way you make granular all of the ways we can be there for each other. Aren't there millions?
Congrats on 47 years married...the stories you must have :-)
So glad you mentioned Gendlin and Weiser Cornell. Focusing (the method) is to me one of the best ways to introduce the "going inside" practice of IFS that some struggle to adopt at first. The Power of Focusing by Weiser Cornell is the book I recommend for its clarity of teaching.
Glad to have you hear and look forward to some good conversations!
Thank you for your response to my comments, Keith! I agree that "The Power of Focusing" is actually the best and clearest guide to Inner Relationship Focusing that Ann has ever written (or that anyone has written).
Looking back on what I wrote, I think that the question, "Can I really show up as myself, including my vulnerabilities, and not be rejected?" probably shouldn't have been included. I think it's a wonderful wonderful thing, but heaven knows, the vast majority of people are scared to death of fully doing that even with their spouses and yet they can still have a secure relationship. Unfortunately, it's a very high bar, though it certainly would go a long way to true security.
I don't think there are millions of ways of being there for our partner that are vital for a secure attachment. Remembering to put the seat down and the toothpaste cap back on are not too high up on the list ....... well, maybe they are. ;-)
Thank you for this article. I love the work of David Schnarch and his crucible model. I find EFT to be infantilizing of adults and incredibly problematic, especially with the application of research regarding infants and parents to adult relationships. It's just bad science. From my therapy chair, the work of Schwartz and Schnarch integrate beautifully. Self led and self validating, guided by True Self and by integrity. I appreciate your writing. Courageous and helpful!
Umm, this blew me away. IFS has landed hard for me, and this cuts right to the heart of that!
Thank you!! It lands hard for me too and I still love it lol
Appreciate your perspective here on Schnarch and EFT. Glad my writing can be helpful. Thank you!
I really enjoyed this article, and your exploration of “securely attached,” “self-leadership” and “self-energy.”
As a certifed EFT couples therapist, I don’t like the idea of “secure attachment” as something people should strive for. It’s fine for a therapist to conceptualize a couple this way, but the way secure attachment, anxious attachment and avoidant attachment gets thrown around by people these days doesn’t seem all that great to me therapeutically.
I wouldn’t talk about “secure attachment” in therapy. For me, with clients, it’s more like “Do you feel secure in your relationship with your partner?” What that means – and this comes from an attachment theory perspective, from Sue Johnson, and from my own thinking – is this: “If I really need my partner – and I mean really need them – will they be there for me? Will they come through?” And also, “Are they truthful with me about all the important things, like fidelity and money, or are they keeping major secrets from me that could affect my life?” In addition, it’s “Do they care about my feelings and needs?” “Do they care about me, who I am, what I think and feel?” "Can I really show up as myself, including my vulnerabilities, and not be rejected?" It also includes “Are they engaged with me? Do my joys make them happy, do my worries and concerns make them want to come to my side?” And finally, “Do they want me? Do they like me, 90 percent of the time? Do they think highly of me? Do I matter to them? Does being with me make them happier than if they weren’t with me? Would they miss me if I was gone? Do they need me – not too much, but some? If they’re hurt or upset, can I affect them in a positive way?”
This may sound like a very long list, but I think when couples are happy with each other, they can answer “yes” to all or almost all these questions most of the time. It’s when the answers to a number of these questions start to regularly feel like “no,” that their relationship is in trouble. And it’s not just a conscious thing. Their bodies and nervous systems start to be all wired up; they don’t get that calm, synched-up feeling anymore when they’re near each other.
But it doesn’t mean you always feel this way. I’ve been with my wife for more than forty-seven years (that number sounds crazy even to me). We’re both therapists and we both know all this stuff and we’re both pretty skillful, I would say. But we’re also very emotional people inside, and even we can sometimes get a little crazy with each other and have a rip-roaring, totally bizarre fight. But we come back and come back. The fights often point to some new area for growth for us. Now that’s secure! If my wife ever started acting totally calm and rational with me all the time, I’d be very worried.
And I think that an important piece of this is emotional safety. When the husband you described said, “I can feel myself getting anxious. But I'm here. Let's talk” what he was showing was the ability to both identify and express what he was truly feeling, so he was being authentic, and he was moving toward her with his feeling, not away. And even though he was feeling anxious, the fact that he said that shows that he has already started to feel more safe talking about feelings, and their relationship, with her. And the other side of this was that the wife was able to hear him say that and realize he was being honest and authentic and loving by saying what he said, so she didn’t come down on him for saying his truth. So they had developed an ability to express their true feelings to each other and know that it was safe to do so. It may not be absolutely necessary, but it’s very very helpful to get better at this in order to have a long-term, emotionally secure relationship.
As for self-leadership and self-energy. I’ve studied IFS, so I know those terms. But I’m a certified Focusing-oriented therapist trained in Inner Relationship Focusing, developed by Ann Weiser Cornell. There are many similarities with IFS. For me, I like to use the term “Larger Self.” As you alluded to, “Larger Self,” like “self-energy,” isn’t really a “thing” you can create from your head. It’s a mode of being, but even that doesn’t get it right; it’s more of a *verb.* For me, the Larger Self is “that which can be with the parts inside with interested curiosity and compassion.” But it doesn’t work to tell yourself to be compassionate with something inside you. As Gene Gendlin, the developer of Focusing, said many decades ago, “If you can’t be compassionate with something inside you, that isn’t a problem. Just turn toward the part of you that can’t be compassionate with that other part, and listen to *it* with compassion.”
I’m glad you wrote your piece. As you can see, it stimulated me to share all of these thoughts that your piece brought up for me. I look forward to reading more!
Great points, Larry. Welcome to the rip-roaring-bizzare-therapist fight club lol.
I like the way you make granular all of the ways we can be there for each other. Aren't there millions?
Congrats on 47 years married...the stories you must have :-)
So glad you mentioned Gendlin and Weiser Cornell. Focusing (the method) is to me one of the best ways to introduce the "going inside" practice of IFS that some struggle to adopt at first. The Power of Focusing by Weiser Cornell is the book I recommend for its clarity of teaching.
Glad to have you hear and look forward to some good conversations!
Here's her book: https://amzn.to/44It31i
Thank you for your response to my comments, Keith! I agree that "The Power of Focusing" is actually the best and clearest guide to Inner Relationship Focusing that Ann has ever written (or that anyone has written).
Looking back on what I wrote, I think that the question, "Can I really show up as myself, including my vulnerabilities, and not be rejected?" probably shouldn't have been included. I think it's a wonderful wonderful thing, but heaven knows, the vast majority of people are scared to death of fully doing that even with their spouses and yet they can still have a secure relationship. Unfortunately, it's a very high bar, though it certainly would go a long way to true security.
I don't think there are millions of ways of being there for our partner that are vital for a secure attachment. Remembering to put the seat down and the toothpaste cap back on are not too high up on the list ....... well, maybe they are. ;-)
Hahha I'll rephrase from the prose of "millions" to the poetry of "as many ways as there are stars."
I hadn’t thought of Self as a verb. I get satisfaction thinking of Self as qualities and so I guess they are verbs!
Thanks for putting it that way, Janet. It's giving me ideas to write more about that.